Human Fear
by Lenore de Pointe du Lac
Summary: Jesus Christ Superstar. Judas' comments on What Happened. JesusJudas.


Human Fear  
  
2003-04-13 (edited in 2004-05-30), Lady Nevermore Summary: Judas' comments on What Happened. Author's note: This is my first attempt at writing JCS 2000Jesus/Judas, so please; don't judge me too hard... And when I wrote this story I hadn't seen the movie in a while, so... Anyway, enjoy!  
  
I don't think we ever really worried about what people would think if we...  
Of course he always had his reputation to consider, and I mine, but that just never really occurred to us then. What we wanted was simply out of the question, and that was it.  
  
And we survived like that.  
  
But then things started going too far. He began believing that the world would not function without him. That he could do anything. But I saw from the beginning that the people around him weren't that impressed. He talked a lot. They wanted action.  
And then, suddenly, everything that had been good and pure was just going sour.  
I looked at his beautiful lips forming words, knowing that they would be our destruction, and I tried to stop it. I succeeded.  
And I lost.  
I never meant for anyone to hurt him.  
But honestly, I have no idea how I couldn't have known what would happen. In my desperation to save him I trusted the wrong people, I guess. I only ever wanted to protect him.  
  
When they came and took him away he looked so vulnerable. I had betrayed him with a kiss and his eyes were asking me "why?" Even if I'd had a million years I could never have come up with a good answer...  
  
(Many people think I did a good thing putting an end to his reign, but I don't. A false king or not, he was only human, and I know it's a cliché, but I loved him more than life itself.  
Some may thank me, but their applause doesn't mean anything when he's not here. I am simply not at all appealed to by the thought of living without him.)  
  
...but we realized that there was no time for explanations. All that mattered was here and now and holding on to the other person. Just loving each other. Knowing that the world could go under and it still wouldn't matter as long as we were together.  
  
And then they dragged him away from me.  
  
We tried to hold on to each others hands, but they were stronger. They took him to their leader, who asked him questions, to which he only replied "that's what you said". But behind that calm façade he was frightened. Scared to death. I remember crying, trying to get to him, finding that it was impossible.  
  
What happened then is just too painful. I know I'm supposed to write something good and intelligent, but it's hard, because I just can't be rational and objective about anything. I've been trying to repress all memories, good and bad, of that lifetime, and now, they're washing over me like a waterfall of my own tears, drowning me. I sometimes think I see him. Standing in a corner watching me.  
I loved him.  
I still do.  
  
They beat him. Even if he would be given a kingdom after his death, he wondered "was it worth it?" I do not think it was. It was awful seeing him in so much pain. He cried and screamed.  
  
In his beautiful, humanly godlike eyes there was human fear.  
  
I remembered when he was happy, with no one torturing him, not that long ago. Whenever he smiled everyone around him would all of a sudden understand what a wonderful world this is. Or was.  
Mesmerized by the beauty of his whole being I would smile back, realizing that my smile seemed to have the same effect on him as his on me.  
We talked a lot in private. I think I knew him better than anyone else ever did. And he's the only one who ever really knew me.  
  
I left him with the people who wanted nothing more than to hurt him.  
  
I threw away the money they had given me for my betrayal.  
Somewhere the voice of one of his friends was asking "could we start again, please?"  
I wanted that too. More than anything.  
  
I was so filled with sadness and guilt and pain I couldn't see clearly. My mind was in darkness.  
The rope just was there, suddenly. I honestly don't remember anything more.  
  
Only fear and nothingness.  
  
_I was in love with him.  
_  
Are you surprised? I always thought it was so obvious. It was to him. But then again, he was at least 10 times more intelligent than most of you are. But we never really worried about what you'd think. We just had it kind of programmed into our brains that it would be wrong. Until we realized that it is not wrong to love. And what we did in privacy is none of you're business anyway. Or, what we could've done.  
  
Now I wonder. I would love to know what you're  
reactions would've been. Based on my observations of  
your behavior in 'similar' situations, I have come to  
the conclusion that you wouldn't have taken it well.  
What are you afraid of? Have you never been in love?  
  
I was in love with him.  
  
I believe he was in love with me too.  
  
And that's all that ever really counts, right? 


End file.
